Motive

Yesterday on Facebook I posed a question to husbands asking their motive for doing things for their wives (cooking, cleaning, helping with the kids etc), if they even do. Is it actuated by obligation or because they want something in return or is it actuated by love? I only got two responses (from wives). One wife saying she believes her husband does what he does out of love and she thinks her submission to him has something to do with it. The other said her husband does it to lessen her burden and she believes it comes from his love for her. Now this was not meant as some kind of competition between their love or obligation,  but merely coming from a point of wanting to understand motive and why it is people have the motive they do.

The initial starting point, as I said on Facebook, was from a conversation some friends and my husband were having where our husbands were adamant that they DO cook. It got me thinking of the reason why they cooked. But in a broader context my question stemmed from some experiences some women have had and these made me think that we are the way we are because of how we have been brought up. Please understand that I'm not saying we are void of the ability to make our own choices, but read on and you will see what I mean.

I grew up in a township and the way I saw guys treat women I told myself that I would never have a relationship with such a man, let alone marry one as such. Women were just things to be used and thrown away until the next best one came along. They were just good enough to get your house (or outside room) cleaned and your belly filled and then discarded. Now please, this is not to say EVERY guy from the township is like this. No. There are some gems. But in general (and only from my perspective back then) this is what I saw.  Where did they learn this behaviour from? I mean if you wanted to be treated well or taken out or have doors opened for you they'd tell you this is not a movie. So you can imagine what shapes them to be like that and what their words were shaping me and other ladies to be like in thinking of ourselves. Sometimes I don't get surprised when black women have such low expectations for themselves and they will tolerate the most terrible relationships. They've seen and heard such bad behaviour and words that that's what they believe and they don't know that there is something better. Now this opens up a huge can of worms and I could write so much just based on this last sentence but I will stick to this topic.

To some, love is waking up to an empty sink.

I was reminded of some women who were telling me that they were so sick that they were bed-ridden and the husbands (separate husbands for separate women... just to make sure we're on the same page here) came to them to ask what's for supper  or what they're going to eat. Moments later the kids came to ask the same thing. I mean come on! Is there no bread? If the husbands can't or won't cook could they not have at least made sandwiches and tea or cooldrink? I mean the women were sick in bed and yet were still expected to get up and prepare a meal. And can you see how the children have followed the footsteps of their fathers? Chances are that when they grow up the boys will expect that of their wives and the girls will think that's just the way things are and won't know that there are men out there who actually care for their wellbeing.

Now juxtapose this last paragraph to a 14 year old boy in the states whose mom was sick and he cooked a whole meal for his family, including his dad. This to me says he was taught to cook and that he must have seen his dad taking care of his mom and so he was moved to play his part and help out by doing something he didn't have to do as a kid, but he knew how to do it and he knew that it would help his mom while she's sick. See the difference? This good deed or good behaviour was modeled to him and so he followed suit. This was a black kid. But what do black kids this side of the world see? Now this is not to say that white or colored people don't mistreat their wives, it's just that the people around me are predominantly black and South African so this is what I've seen. So we essentially perpetuate the behaviour that has been modeled to us.

If black South African guys are taught that they are men and should never be caught dead in the kitchen or changing diapers or the likes, then that's what they grow up believing and that's what they grow up being, unless they choose to change. And if they won't even do those things, you can forget about getting the car or any other door opened or getting help carrying things or generally being treated like a lady. You are a woman and you must do the duties of a woman and that's that. Sadly for many women this is a reality.

So those of us who have loving husbands who treat us like the queens that we are, or at least they try their best to, we should be really grateful coz other women have it really bad. And you know, when we experience love from our husbands, things like submission and respect are second nature to us. They just flow so easily from us and we love to do them without even realising we're doing them because they are just part of us. Sadly, other men demand respect and submission and yet they show no love and protection for their wives. Their wives don't feel secure in them or their suppposed love for them.

I hope one day we will all have role models that we may learn to love, honor, cherish and respect one another and in turn be those role models. But while we still have men being taught to change from one woman to another and abusing the "place" or role of women in society, we will continue to have sisters doing it for themselves, women who would rather have careers than raise a family and making a home, women who want to to break free from the so-called stronghold of marriage all because they are mistreated. By the looks of things we have a long way to go. But I have hope, and I believe that when we have good homes then we can have good communities.

So check your motive. Why do you do what you do? Why don't you do what you should do? Is it right? Are you willing to change for the better? I hope so...